Buy Now (Believe Us, Time Is Definitely Limited!)
Purchase your copy of the hilarious 2012 Doomsday Planner, the datebook that spoofs end-time predictions and the Mayans' mystical calendar.
Available at Amazon.com –– click on the links to the right –– or at Barnes & Noble.com:
Standard Edition
Deluxe Full-Color Edition
Mother of Mercy, Is This the End?
• It's nearly the last time that you will need to remember to buy a gift for all of the Mothers on your list: your Mom, wife, daughter, sister-in-law, neighbor, nanny, therapist, and, that biggest Mother of all, your boss. Aside from the especially appropriate gift of our 2012 Doomsday Planner –– it's guaranteed to last longer than roses, even with that miracle plant-meth that they ship with the wilting flowers –– we also suggest you heed this advice from the book:
Nothing touches Mom’s heart on her special day like a gift you made with your own two hands. She brought you into this world, and, chances are, she’ll be there when you go out in a few short months. Show her how much you care by taking a little extra time to make something personal.
Pictured is a pyramid hat made from ice cream sticks to help her channel cosmic energy.
• Our primary source for the unique scholarly insights in the 2012 Doomsday Planner, Dr. Jesús Maria y José El Bondigas, assures us that there is no truth to a recent report on Gizmodo. It states that so-called "experts" who have "studied" recently uncovered jungle etchings –– they probably saw lo-res pics on their iPhones –– have concluded that rather than predicting the apocalypse with the end of their calendar, the Mayans actually sought to mark the beginning of an unimaginably lengthy new period of history that would commence on December 22, 2012. Some guy named William Saturno claims, "The Maya calendar is going to keep going and keep going for billions, trillions, octillions of years into the future, a huge number that we can't even wrap our heads around."
Dr. El Bondigas responds, "I no care if you count in cotillions or vermillions of years, but you no gonna be around for Navidad this year, mister. I'll wrap your head around that!" Measured, yet strong words from the ex-luchador, based upon his own discovery of the massive "Dozen Count" calendar in jungles far from this alleged find in Guatemala. The good doctor's explanation for these purported scribblings? "Is obviously forgery. Somebody, he want to make El Bondigas look bad. I have suspicions, sounds like my brother-in-law El Babosa. He big pratical joker, that bastardo."
• For further refutation, check out the Ant Farmer's Almanac for 7 Things You Didn't Know About: The New York City Emergency Services Preparedness Manual's Secret Chapter on Dealing with an Alien Invasion. Better safe than sorry.
5/11/12
Stinko de Maya
The significance of Cinco de Mayo to the Mayans would have been based on its numerological roots. Just as the number five has meaning to the modern mixocologist –– a fifth is a US measurement of alcohol equivalent to 25.6 shots –– so, too, did their tipsy forbears honor the fifth day of the month by measuring out the tallest cup of mezcal with their fingers. On the first day of the month, the liquor was poured to a pinky's depth, the second day the thumb was used, then the ring finger, then the index finger, and, finally the middle digit, stretched to its utmost length.
Even for the short-fingered Mayans, this fifth afforded a potent shot, and the liquid courage it imparted led directly to the wiggling of the middle digit defiantly at any and all perceived enemies. This practice was passed down from woozy generation to woozy generation and can still be seen today at many bars and cantinas after the consumption of sufficient quantities of the distilled essence of the agave plant.
To accompany your perfect margarita in celebration of Cinco de Mayo we offer the following lore from the 2012 Doomsday Planner:
The Guacamole Creation Myth
While bringing avocados to a feast, Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god, bumps into G’wok, god of side dishes, who is bringing the salsa. They knock each other down, dropping everything.
G’wok: Hey! You got avocado on my minced red onion, serrano chiles, cilantro leaves, lemon or lime juice, salt, dash of black pepper and half-a- tomato!
Quetzalcoatl: Oh, yeah! You got minced red onion, serrano chiles, cilantro leaves, lemon or lime juice, salt, dash of black pepper and half-a-tomato on my smashed avocados!
G’wok: Hmmm, this tastes pretty good...
5/4/12
Better Read Than Dead
This past weekend we were at MoCCA Fest 2012, gathering further evidence of the coming apocalypse even as we tried to provide aid and comfort to the victims-to-be by selling them copies of our 2012 Doomsday Planner (along with INX Battle Lines: Three Decades of Political Art and Gertrude's Follies.) The Fest was held in New York City, which is sure to be one of the first targets of catastrophe whether it be by giant reptile on vaction from Japan, tsunami, nuclear attack, bee swarm, or a revolt of the panhandlers.
Based on what we saw at the bustling Lexington Avenue Armory (where many of these poor souls will be herded once the first fireball descends on Central Park), there seemed to already be an advance guard of alien life forms paving the way for our extinction. These young humanoid creatures, sported magenta and cerulean locks, were decorated with arcane markings on their skin which was pierced in various tender places, spouted indecipherable gibberish and displayed angst-ridden art that made one actually pine for the end of the world. Some sprouted faerie wings, others bizarre headgear and there were, of course, zombies.
We were lucky enough to be seated next the nicest of these shambling monsters, an extremely well-mannered and considerate representative from –– where else –– Canada. Mullet the Zombie Clown (visit memullet.com) was there to host a live late-night talk show at a local club, and to spread good cheer to the doomed. Kind of like us.
5/1/12
Cafe MoCCA
The second most jittery Mayan demi-god, after Ko'ka, "king of the land where the white winds blow", was Mo'ka, patron of baristas and overachievers. At the end of April, the city-state of Palenque (Bàak' in Modern Maya) held a festival celebrating Mo'ka and the magical beans that gave him his superhuman energy. The three-day fest featured 24-hour seminars on multi-tasking, jazzy ocarina music, demonstrations to free Wi'Fi, patron of misanthropes, and absolutely no sleep.
Coincedentally, on this Saturday the 28th and Sunday the 29th, the wired one's namesake, MoCCA, is holding it's Fest 2012 at the Lexington Avenue Armory in New York City (bet. 25th & 26th Streets.) Though many marvel that the initials of the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art should be pronounced Mo'ka –– surely a snider Mocker or the Yiddish for big shot, Macher, would fit better –– this celebration of all things cartoonistic will draw the authors of 2012 Doomsday Planner to its halls. L.K. Peterson and Martin Kozlowski will be signing copies of the book at the Now What Media Table B22, all the way in the back right corner, from 11am until 6pm both days. Please come by and say Ba’ax ka wa’alik.
4/25/12
That Sinking Sensation!
April 15, 2012 marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.
The Mayans had nothing to say about this overworked metaphor for man's hubris/cautionary tale about the immutable power of nature/warnings about sailing directly into icebergs in the middle of the night — but Nostradamus did.
Recently discovered manuscripts are believed to contain the master prognosticator's visions of the luxury liner's tragic fate 400 years in advance. Persnickety scholars have dismissed the writing's authenticity based solely on the fact that, instead of Nostradamus' usual enigmatic quatrains, these shipwreck-themed ditties are in haiku, the terse, seventeen syllable-based Japanese poetry.
We would remind those who might fixate on the point that haiku was unknown in 16th century France — and therefore presumably unknown to Nostradamus — that this guy predicted everything from Napolean (or maybe Stalin or Hitler), the Y2K bug to Keeping Up With the Kardashians, so channeling a poetic form from a few thousand miles away is something he could do while making himself a sandwich (and, given his prophetic abilities, making a sandwich 200 years before the Earl of Sandwich invented them would also not have been any big deal).
However, even among those who allow that Nostradamus did pen these works and was just "mixing it up a bit," there is debate over whether they foretell the sinking of the actual RMS Titanic, James Cameron's movie Titanic, the 3D rerelease of James Cameron's movie Titanic, or Speed II: Cruise Control.
Judge for yourself from the examples below. If these don't bring a chill to your spine you must live someplace where it's already warm enough in mid-April to go out without a sweater.
Paupers and princes
Hubris saileth unto doom
Their hearts won't go on
Ark of empire's sweep
Frigid water knows not rank
Neptune has company
Tragedy plus time
Plus special effects equals
Titanic payday
4/5/12
Maya Foolish Heart
The average Mayan liked a good practical joke as much as the next mesoamerican. As the temperatures grew milder in the Spring –– after the grueling 82 degree days of Winter –– frisky Mayans looked for ways to have fun at the expense of their neighbors.
In honor of a local king named L'No, a day that fell near our own April 1st was set aside for the making of mischief and the pulling of pranks. L'No, easily recognized by his Peacock Headdress and massive jaw, appointed himself "Lord of Laughter", but most of his subjects agreed that he was about as funny as a rubber war axe.
Typical gags included the Human Sacrifice Switcheroo, where the priestly cutup would "accidentally" miss the chest with his razor-sharp blade, instead removing a relatively harmless length of large intestine, allowing the sacrificee to walk away shaken, but with his heart still in the right place. Another favorite was the Exploding Quill Pen that Mayans handed to Spaniards when they were ready to sign orders for mass executions. Other pranksters would nail a gold coin to a tree stump outside the tent of conquistadors as they partied heavily into the night –– the efforts of the drunken soldiers trying to pick up the "loose change" were said to be side-splitting.
Mischeivous Mayans would often send a lowly messenger to the local cocoa merchant to inquire if he had Ek Chuah –– God of Cocoa and a popular brand name for the product –– in a pouch. When he replied "Yes," the messenger was to yell, "Then, let him out," and run away. Somewhat nastier youths would place a bag filled with especially poisonous scorpions on their teacher's doorstep, set it afire, and hide nearby to watch as the startled pedagogue's efforts to stamp out the flames led to excrutiating stings, paralysis and death.
3/29/12
Hail and Farewell to the Chief
On Presidents Day (or is it President's? Presidents'? Damned apostrophe!) we celebrate the single greatest quality shared by the most revered leaders in our history–– the abilty to sell foreign-made automobiles. Let us take this opportunity to reflect upon one of the most magnificent of the Mayan majesties with this excerpt from the 2012 Doomsday Planner:
Every sizable Mayan city-state had its own king.
These hereditary monarchs had reins that tended to be, like their lives and tempers, nasty, brutish and short.
Among the most notable or notorious:
A’b: This early Mayan king was renowned for his honesty and was so beloved by his subjects that his image adorns the glyph symbolizing the winter month of his birth.
He was assassinated during the traditional Our Mayan Cousin pageant –– which received decidedly mixed reviews –– by a disgruntled actor jealous of his enormous headgear.
2/20/12
Have a Heart
Here are some Romantic Notions
for your final V-Day direct from the
2012 Doomsday Planner:
• Have your chakras aligned, your auras synchronized and your colons irrigated.
• Get intimate tattoos –– Ixchel, the Goddess of Fertility for her, Ixnay, the God of ED for him.
• Play “alien abduction” with a pair of vibrating probes.
• Exchange gifts –– a flame- retardant negligee for her, kevlar PJs for him.
• Stay up all night sipping pink champagne, and watch the sun rise languidly over your fallout shelter.
And give that special someone the perfect parting-is-such-sweet-sorrow gift--the heart-warming (see cartoon above) 2012 Doomsday Planner.
2/13/12
Rah, Rah, Sis Boom B'ol!
Mayans competed in, and were rabidly passionate about, a team sport called b’ol, about which little is known except that players could use only their hips and forearms to try putting a large rubber ball through a vertical loop set high on a courtside wall. Our best guess is that it was like a combination of basketball, football, jai alai, and extreme eating.
Amazingly, the grandest of the grand tournaments of this national pastime, the ultimate contest, its Super B'ol, began exactly 1,500 years ago on a day that corresponds with this coming Sunday, February 5th. Sadly, the Mexican government refuses to acknowledge this extraordinary happenstance, and will, instead, be celebrating their Constitution Day at that time (whoop-de-doo.)
Like us, the Mayans gathered with their friends to chomp on salty snacks, quaff fermented beverages, and stare at their favorite athletes on boxes in their homes. Of course, the athletes were carved into those boxes, and did not move, but the Mayans were spared commercial interruptions. Tens of thousands of other luckier fans crowded into the massive L'oo'Ka X'oil Stadium for the game itself, a contest between the J'ints led by the homely, but nice E'Li and the dreaded B'Ella'Chex spearheaded by the godlike B'Raa'D.
Unlike our football games, which are rigidly structured 
to fit into a proscribed television slot –– and conveniently run over into prime time –– the b'ol game was allowed to run on for as long as it took one team to best the other, whether it be hours, days or weeks. This storied contest was interrupted in week three by a a fairly lurid halftime show, starring, coincedentally, Madonna. It was finally called when a solar eclipse produced darkness and mass hysteria causing the fans –– many already suffering from bench sores and chronic ennui –– to run home, with the score knotted at 0. There were efforts to reconvene the game the following year, but both captains and most of their teammates had already been slain by irate bettors.
2/1/12
Triskaidekaphobicexpialidocious
In this year of fear it's only fitting that there be three Friday the 13ths to fill us with foreboding. Many of us still subscribe to the traditional superstitions –– don't walk under a black cat, rub a Rabbi's foot for good luck, spit twice after you say the name Kardashian –– so perhaps you won't be surprised to learn that the ancient Mayan culture was lousy with old wives' tales. And it's interesting to note that the average Mayan old wife was 28.
Of course these people wouldn't know the number 13 from a serpent glyph scrawled into the skull of a beheaded human sacrifice, but they did evolve a numerical system capable of recording a number that today would be expressed as 142 followed by 36 zeros –– which is a lot of cocoa beans. And certain proscribed feast days counted off their lunar calendar did give rise to what we might classify as "superstitious" beliefs –– as opposed to their other beliefs which we simply classify as "baffling".
Some of the more startling included:
1) Always cross the fingers of the hand that you've chopped off
2) Walk backwards in a circle 1033 times after you consume killer magic mushrooms
3) Throw salt into the wound of the left shoulder of an enemy
4) Never walk beneath the vines hanging from the Sacred Tree, particularly if it's filled with howler monkeys shortly after mealtime
5) Spit twice after you say the name K'ada'Shin
Included above is an image from the 2012 Doomsday Planner from October's Day of the Dead section which depicts a progenitor of our own patron saint of Friday the 13th.
1/13/12
Getting Technical About It
Might you be looking for the Next Big Thing in high-tech? Fast Company offers this panini pressed sandwich of prognostications for the digital marketplace in 2012 and –– if you think there will be one –– beyond.
1/13/12
The Nerve!
We here at the 2012 Doomsday Planner: The Official Unauthorized Makeover of the Mayan Calendar (on sale at Amazon and Barnes & Noble online) are shocked, SHOCKED! to find out in a NY Daily News article that there are people out there trying to cash in on the end of the Mayan calendar and the prophecies therein (or not) that signal the end of time, the world and pretty much everything.
How low can you go? Click here to find out...
1/4/12
Clinical Psychic Analysis
The epic showdown between The Sun's psychics and our Magic 8-Ball may have been stuffed with predictions that you found hard to swallow. Cleanse your palate with L.K. Peterson's probing 15-page post-mortem on this Delphic duel wherein he scores the respective sybils against a spherical plastic pool ball and reality.
Chock-full of incisive illustrations and bemused commentary, this definitive analysis will let you know which doomsayers you can really trust.
Read Psychics v. the Magic 8-Ball: The Final Reckoning!
1/2/12
Maya Old Acquaintance Be Forgot
The Mayans celebrated the arrival of the New Year lustily with elaborate nocturnal ceremonies on its eve. They involved the wearing of goofy headdresses, the beating of drums, the tooting of flutes, and the ingestion of vast quantities of psychotropic mushrooms. The bacchanal was traditionally overseen by the demi-god D'Iq C'Larq, whose name can be interpreted to mean "He who does not age" or "He who thinks he does not age".
The celebrations were centered in a square situated between four great pyramids –– a place best known for the over-priced staging of religious rites and street vendors hawking "I Heart Uxmal"-inscribed battle cudgels and dung-cart stickers.
As D'Iq C'Larq grew old, ironically, the hosting duties for the festivities were assumed by the diminutive Mesoamerican idol See'Krst, or "The Oily One." Aside from the wild partying, the other goal of the ceremony was to assure the blessings of the gods for a plentiful coca crop in the year ahead to be achieved, not surprisingly, by human sacrifice.
Atop each of the four pyramids, a shaman and four hardy attendants holding a massive stone ball stood above a lucky virgin tethered to a stone altar. Popular Mayan singers whipped the throng below into a frenzy as they counted down to the end of the year.
When the moon reached it's apogee in the night sky, or was determined to have by a council of really high astronomers, the four balls were dropped simultaneously onto the heads of the four virgins. If they were really lucky they would die instantly and have their hearts cut out and offered to the gods. Otherwise they would wake up on New Year's Day with a really bad headache like the rest of the crowd.
12/29/11
Synchronize Your Death Watches
Today is the first day of the rest of the last year of your life. The doomsday countdown begins in earnest as we enter the final 365 days that precede the Mayan Calendar's running out on December 21, 2012.
So shop for appropriate seasonal gifts –– it's smart to plan ahead. And heed these sensible steps in a to-do checklist from the 2012 Doomsday Planner:
√ Replace flashlight batteries.
√ Install extra-thick lead-lined hurricane shutters.
√ Lay in 50-year supply of canned goods.
√ Try to bribe way onto International Space Station.
√ Burn bucket list.
√ Consume case of Cristal.
And, of course, it would be prudent to purchase our Doomsday Planner so you'll know exactly where you'll be each and every precious day.
12/21/11
Days and Confused
Invariably, the first question we're asked when the subject turns to the 2012 Doomsday Planner, after "How many p's are there in apocalypse?", is "How did you come to reinterpret the Mayan Calendar so brilliantly?" Though we'd like to say it was purely based upon our years of deep research –– we never concluded a Google search without getting to page three –– we must acknowledge, contractually, the contributions we received from Dr. El Bondigas.
A former celebrated luchador –– he appeared as an extra in the lucha libre epic Santo vs. the Martian Invasion –– and a licensed aroma therapist, Dr. El Bondigas contacted us in 2008 with some startling news. How he came to contact us is a fascinating yarn in itself, turning as it does on the fact that the area codes for Los Angeles and New York are separated by a single digit. But suffice it to say, we were genuinely shocked to learn of his discovery of a twenty-five-ton stone calendar amidst the jungles surrounding the Mayan ruins in Chichen Itza, Mexico.
Though the good doctor had apparently encountered numerous skeptics in the academic community before misdialing us, we were captivated by his almost childlike enthusiasm –– he gurgled audibly on the phone -- and we instantly agreed to share his incredible find with the world.
The rest is the stuff of a future post on this website. We include here an ad for Dr. El Bondigas that we felt compelled, contractually, to include in the book.
12/13/11
So We're Stuck With the Kardashians Through 2013?
Renowned twenytwelvologist* Sven Gronemeyer, a German archaeology professor teaching in Australia, insists that the Mayan Long Count calendar's sudden stop at December 21, 2012 does not, repeat does not, predict the end of the world or even necessarily of civilization as we know it. He does suggest, however that something occurs, but won't say exactly what, hinting only that, according to his interpretations of the stone's hieroglyphics, it may signal the return of the ancient deity Bolon Yokte K'uh, one of the nine Mayan Lords of the Night which is no small thing, to say nothing of its also being a very cool name for a rock band or motorcycle gang.
Undermining Gronemeyer's credibility somewhat is the fact that a chunk is missing from the very end of the stone tablet he was studying, leaving some wiggle room about what might or might not have been written on it. Speculation on what the absent text says runs from "Continued on next stone tablet"** to "And they all lived happily ever after".
Of course, if Gronemeyer is proved wrong and the world does end on 12/21/12, his theory will be shot pretty much to hell and he can kiss any hope of tenure goodbye.
*We swear we didn't make up this word.
**Thanks, nursecindy!
12/5/11
Buy, Buy Mesoamerican Pie
Black Friday slowly, but surely consumes Thanksgiving. Cyber Monday morphs inexorably into Cyber Monthly. The 12 Days of Christmas lead inevitably to the 12 Months of Debt. Hallelujah, the Holiday Season is here again!
The Mayans knew a thing or two about shopping –– they erected great temples of retail atop a rudimentary economic foundation, as described in our 2012 Doomsday Planner:
"Trades were conducted on the barter system or “rock, paper, scissors” until cocoa beans became standard currency throughout the empire in the late pre-classical era. Ceramic bowls engraved “Take a Bean, Leave a Bean” litter the site of Chichen Itza’s enormous “Mall of Mesoamerica.”
Which allowed them to celebrate feast days like crazy until their beans ran out:
"Most popular of these was the winter festival of No’l, a month-long gift-giving holiday dedicated to the jolly-but-judgmental demi-god X’anta. Mayan parents gave presents to their offspring designed to prepare them for adulthood; toy bows and arrows or slabs of granite on which to make sacrifices to X’bx, god of games (ages 5 and up). For toddlers there were handcarved Tickle-Me-Inca dolls and fetishes of Fr’b, avatar of adorableness."
So shake your little e-tails, and buy your loved ones the gift of partially-researched knowledge of a fascinating, if fictionalized, ancient civilization with our 2012 Doomsday Planner.
12/1/11
The Sun Sessions Part IV: The Last Sucker
A final set of chilling prediction for this year into next from the seers of the Sun newspaper, fact-checked by our Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
Psychic Nikki
(Toronto-based clairvoyant consultant to Hollywood A-Listers)
Hosni Mubarak dies. Most Likely.
Terrorists attack the NASA facilities in Houston. My Reply Is No.
Several paintings by famous artists are found on a mountain in Switzerland. My Sources Say No.
A movie star is kidnapped off a yacht near Catalina Island. Yes.
A large dinosaur fossil is discovered under a Manhattan skyscraper. Signs Point To Yes.
A violent hurricane topples a causeway or bridge near the Florida Keys. Yes, Definitely.
Latoya Jackson faces danger. You May Rely On It.
The U.S. introduces a new currency. My Reply Is No.
Terrorists target America, Great Britain, and Johannesburg, South Africa. My Sources Say No.
An explosion cripples New York's Lincoln Tunnel and a subway is hijacked. Without a Doubt.
Someone falls off the CN Tower in Toronto. As I See it, Yes.
Gene Hackman, Ed Asner and Jerry Lewis face health concerns. Outlook Not So Good.
Riots strike Wall Street. My Reply Is No.
British royal family shattered by sex scandal. Outlook Good.
Bomb blast in Chicago. Better Not Tell You Now.
Earthquake in Iran. Yes.
Devastating hurricane threatens Florida, the Carolinas, the Caribbean, Mexico and Eastern Canada. Signs Point To Yes.
Popular uprisings across South America. My Reply Is No.
Bangkok, Thailand is destroyed by a fire. My Reply Is No.
A runway collapses at a major fashion show, killing several and injuring hundreds. Yes.
Large influx [sic] of UFO sightings in North America. Outlook Good.
Plane crashes into the White House. Outlook Not So Good.
An international soccer team is kidnapped and held for ransom. It Is Certain.
Earthquakes rumble under the Caribbean and the Catskills. You Can Rely On It.
Two movie stars die in a hot tub accident. Ask Again Later.
Parts of San Francisco are flattened by an earthquake. My Sources Say No.
11/26/11
Cereal Killer
With hungry end-timers representing a burgeoning market, major food manufacturers should begin making products to stock the shelves of survivalist superstores. While you'd already be wise to invest heavily in Hormel, producer of Spam and ConAgra, Slim Jim's proud parent company, we expect other food titans will soon join that lucrative list by offering sweet new treats like these.
11/19/11
The Sun Sessions Part III: The Scum Also Rises
Still more prognostications for what's left of 2011 from the Sun newspaper's Sybils, verified by our Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
Sebastiano Perralto Ramos
(Spiritual Healer)
Jennifer Aniston opens an animal sanctuary in Northern California. As I See It, Yes.
A real-estate magnate builds huge, underground bunkers in storm-ravaged Joplin, Missouri; New Orleans; Birmingham, Alabama. Yes.
Ninety-year-old twins kayak from Massachusetts to Portugal. Outlook Good.
Obama announces all schools will take part in a "Pennies for the Deficit" fundraising campaign. Better Not Tell You Now.
Chuck Norris saves a Missouri town from an asteroid. Don't Count On It.
Greenland declares war on Denmark, but the conflict is ignored by the world. Yes.
California auctions off the naming rights to the state to raise revenue. Better Not Tell You Now.
Sightings of Michael Jackson are reported in Dubai. Cannot Predict Now.
Secrets of the Egyptian pyramids are found in Muammar Qaddafi's safe. You May Rely on It.
After a high-profile arrest, financial industry leaders predict a stock market boom in early 2012. Most Likely.
Jeb Bush enters the 2012 presidential race. As I See It, Yes.
Foot fungus is found to cure acne. Without a Doubt.
George W. Bush and wife Laura become Scientologists. You Can Rely On It.
Prince Harry elopes in Las Vegas with Pippa Middleton. My Sources Say No.
A man who went missing on Mount Everest in 1972 is found encased in ice -- but alive -- near the summit. My Sources Say No.
A new species of mutant pink alligators are found in Costa Rica. It Is Certain.
Cops raid Kirstie Alley's home and find 27 dogs, 60 cats, 15 parrots, eight lemurs and a kangaroo. Signs Point To Yes.
Iran releases hikers accused of spying after a top-secret meeting between Iranian president Ahmadinejad and Sarah Palin. Without a Doubt.
Japan admits kidnapping Amelia Earhart, claiming she died in Tokyo in 1988 at the age of 90. Outlook Good.
Rocket-powered umbrellas allow visitors to Orlando's Disney World to fly like Mary Poppins. It Is Decidedly So.
Casey Anthony reveals she's pregnant with octuplets. Outlook Good.
NASA discovers a new star that blinks to the beat of the disco song YMCA. My Reply Is No.
A tainted batch of flea medication turns dogs' fur pea green. My Sources Say No.
An angel appears over Fatima, Portugal, and reveals a prophetic "fourth secret" to a pair of young girls. This secret involves the future of the U.S. economy and the Saudi royal family. Without a Doubt.
11/16/11
Numb and Number
Today is the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year of the new millenium. A day that has numerologists drooling over their abaci, even as "reputable" news sources ponder the apocalyptic implications, while others plumb its political ramifications.
Hollywood marks the day with the release of the appropriately entitled spookfest 11-11-11, that conveniently comes with its own expiration date, along with the far more terrifying Adam Sandler vehicle Jack and Jill in which he plays both male and female identical twins.
Our concern is for the year ahead –– the mystical occurence of 12/12/12 and that date's presagement (an actual word) of the decisive 12/21/12. You just take the middle 12 and transpose the 1 and the 2 to make it into a 21, and you've pretty much done your presaging.
Herewith we include one of the dozens of Fortnightly Glyphs from the 2012 Doomsday Planner. This one is for 11/11/12, and perhaps the minor deity symbolized here might be able to help you sleep as you ponder the dwindling days ahead. In the meantime, ease your mind and buy our book. We're counting on you.
11/11/11
Doomsday to the Macs
This is the original cover art that we hoped to use for the 2012 Doomsday Planner –– our genius publisher at Now What Books put the kibosh on it because he said it was too "tasteful" for a gut-busting parody like ours.
We're still not sure if we shouldn't have honored the fabled Mayan demigod and founder of Avocado, S'teev J'bz. He was best known for discovering the iPod which revolutionized the planting of peas, and the iPad which was used by grateful Mayan maidens on those monthly occasions when the "Amazon overflowed."
His iCal version of the long count calendar actually extended the length of the count indefinitely, which would have rendered speculation about doomsday falling on December 21, 2012 moot. Luckily for us, not all of his fellow tribesmen were taught to think different, and most embraced the W'indoz system of computation.
11/8/11
The Sun Sessions Part II: Bat Boy Rises
More startling predictions for the remaining months of 2011 from the ever-reliable Sun newspaper, fact-checked by our equally-infallible Magic 8-Ball.
Sun Psychics v Magic 8-Ball (response in boldface):
Martha Henstridge
(psychic advisor to Princess Di)
Michelle Bachman will go blonde. As I See It, Yes.
A lost work by Shakespeare about the Emperor Nero will be discovered. Very Doubtful.
A major brand of lipstick is recalled when it permanently dyes lips black. Very Doubtful.
A pill that tones muscle without exercise will be developed. Signs Point To Yes.
Breeders create a dog with rudimentary vocal chords that can speak in simple sentences. You May Rely On It.
Alligators are discovered to have interbred with giant rats in the NYC sewer system. It Is Decidedly So.
Jack Nicholson becomes a Baptist preacher. Outlook Good.
Insects -- especially grasshoppers and grubs -- become a staple of the American diet. Very Doubtful.
Doctors define a cure for cancer from eggshells. Yes, Definitely.
Reproduction through cloning becomes a legal option for gay couples. Without a Doubt.
The man who will become the next pope appears as a contestant on American Idol. My Reply Is No.
A 12-year-old boy who claims to be the reincarnation of John Lennon becomes a musical sensation. As I See It, Yes.
A unicorn is discovered in a Scottish forest. My Reply Is No.
Do-it-yourself surgical facelifts are approved by the FDA. Signs Point To Yes.
A third of the world's population goes temporarily deaf after a mysterious sonic boom. Outlook Good.
Riots occur in cities worldwide after disease destroys 90% of the world's coffee bean crop. It Is Certain.
Gas prices rise to $10 a gallon, causing bike sales to soar. Don't Count On It.
Texas secedes from the union. Very Doubtful.
A movement grows in the U.S. to replace George Washington with Ronald Reagan on the $1 bill. My Sources Say No.
Flying cars. My Sources Say No.
Donald Trump offers to buy downtown Manhattan. As I See It, Yes.
Bangkok city planners unveil a floating subdivision that will house over a thousand families. You May Rely On it.
A malfunctioning cell phone ring tone will trigger seizures in 75% of anyone within earshot. Signs Point To Yes.
An anti-gun-control presidential candidate hands out free handguns at a campaign rally. It Is Decidedly So.
A new autopsy report shows that Elvis was murdered. Very Doubtful.
11/4/11
Day of the Really Most Sincerely Dead
Today is El Día de los Muertos in Mexico, the traditional Mesoamerican holiday which memorializes the departed while celebrating the cycle of life. In honor of this unique fiesta we offer this depiction of one of the ancient Mayans' terrifying Day of the Dead masks, and this excerpt from the 2012 Doomsday Planner concerning its origins:
The Mayans weren’t so much interested in honoring the dead as making sure there were plenty of them.
Still, as indifferent as they were to the deaths of their enemies, their subjects and, well, pretty much everyone else, Mayan nobility spent years and fortunes erecting grandiose post-mortem monuments to their own fabulousness. Intent on “taking it with them,” they planned to entomb not only themselves, but as many of their valuables as they could cram in there…
Read much more in the 2012 Doomsday Planner and prepare yourself for the coming Año de los Muertos!
11/2/11
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